Unforgiveness

"Forgiveness is the final form of love." —Reinhold Niebuhr

Glass is created when sand, lime, and soda are fused together by intense heat. In the same way, rejection is rarely one wound—it is many, fused together by unforgiveness. Left unchecked, unforgiveness becomes the fire that cements pain into our hearts.

When we think of forgiveness, we often imagine it means letting go of what others did to us. But sometimes the hardest forgiveness is closer to home: a parent who could not love us as we longed for, the regret we hold against ourselves, or the quiet bitterness we carry toward God for allowing pain we don’t understand.

What about you? Can you think of places where unforgiveness has hardened—toward someone else, toward yourself, or even toward God?

Forgiveness is a choice. If we do it, it leads to healing, life, and love. Jesus emphasizes this concept to his disciples when he says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matt. 6:14 NIV). Like a key that opens the door, forgiveness from God is only activated once we forgive others.

We need to take this seriously and examine our hearts. If there is a hint of unforgiveness, it is urgent that we forgive. Without walking in forgiveness, it is difficult to feel God’s love. Did I completely forgive my mother for not loving me? Maybe you’ve asked yourself a similar question: Have I really forgiven the person who hurt me most deeply?

A good example of how we expect forgiveness but struggle to give it is the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21–35. To put it simply, it’s like having someone cover your grocery bill when you can’t pay, only to walk past a Salvation Army bucket with a pocket full of change and give nothing. God has shown me that I, too, have received mercy but withheld it from others—and it’s humbling.

Scripture reminds us, “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8 NIV). Forgiveness is not optional; it’s the natural overflow of love. Jesus says, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35 NIV). Our willingness to forgive is part of our witness. Imagine someone watching your life closely—would they see Jesus in the way you forgive?

Without forgiveness, bitterness takes root.

Forgiveness also protects our relationships. “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9 NLT). Without forgiveness, bitterness takes root, and Proverbs 14:10 (ESV) warns, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”

Bitterness isolates us, poisons joy, and—even psychologists agree—damages our health. Left unchecked, it holds us captive, as Paul wrote: “I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin” (Acts 8:23 NIV).

I have a friend who struggles with many ailments and stress. She holds on to bitterness for wrongs against her as closely as a diver wears a wetsuit. Healing cannot begin without releasing unforgiveness. Can you recognize areas in your own life where bitterness has robbed you of joy?

Forgiving others can be a difficult thing to do, but first, it is a decision. Corrie Ten Boom once wrote of the day she forgave one of her former S.S. guards in her book, The Hiding Place.

When the war ended, Corrie Ten Boom traveled all over, speaking on God’s forgiveness. After a speaking engagement, one of her former guards approached her. She felt paralyzed, unable to forgive. But as she prayed, Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness, she extended her hand—and felt God’s love flow through her. It reminds me that forgiveness is never something we muster up on our own. It is God’s gift through us.

Like Corrie, you may feel paralyzed when you think about forgiving someone. Can you whisper the same prayer she prayed: ‘Jesus, I cannot forgive them. Give me Your forgiveness?’

‘Jesus, I cannot forgive them. Give me Your forgiveness.’

I thought I had forgiven my mother. But when I faced the grief that still lingered, I realized my forgiveness had only skimmed the surface. I knew I needed to fully forgive her.

At first, I hesitated. Part of me wanted to turn away, to hold her at a distance, because forgiving meant letting go of the proof that she had hurt me. But I knew—clinging to the pain was only chaining me to the past.

I closed my eyes and pictured her standing before me. My body trembled. My chest felt tight, as if all those years of silence were pressing against me. Yet when I stretched out my arms and whispered, “I forgive you, and I love you,” it felt like unclenching a fist I had been holding my whole life. As I whispered the words, I felt it wasn’t my own strength. It was God’s Spirit in me, carrying the love I didn’t think I had to give.

The moment I forgave her, something broke loose inside me. Tears streamed down my face, but they weren’t only sorrow—they were relief, like water finally bursting through a dam.

Next, I turned to myself. Too often, I have regretted the decisions I made in my past. In the article, The Psychology of Regret: Should we really aim to live our lives with no regrets? Melanie Greenberg, a licensed clinical psychologist, explains, “Regret is a negative cognitive or emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made.”

Greenberg suggests that if one does not have an opportunity to change their situation then the constant deep feelings of regret can bring about chronic stress, which will affect our minds and bodies. I wondered how much of an impact my regrets have had on my health.

I understood that there is nothing I can do about my childhood. In addition, there is nothing I can do about the many bad decisions I made as an adult. The only thing I can do is move forward, but I want it to be free from those regrets, and I know the only way to obtain that is to forgive myself.

Again, I used my imagination to help me forgive. I lined up all the past regrets as if they were a younger version of myself and let them come to me one by one. I imagined myself, at that age, and let her come forward. Listening intently, I heard her as she expressed her regret. I validated her feelings of anguish and pain. Then, I forgave her, letting her shed the tears of remorse. This took awhile. It’s ok to allow all the time you need to go through this process.

When the line grew empty, we all gathered around—to celebrate. I wanted all of us to shout, as a sign of victory, like when Joshua led the Israelites to conquer the city of Jericho.

All of my past selves shouted long and loud in exuberance and I felt a release. Then, we all stood together and looked to the future. As we took a step over the threshold I read my favorite blessing aloud from Numbers 6:24-26 (NIV), “May the Lord bless me and keep me; May the Lord make his face shine upon me and be gracious to me; May the Lord turn his face toward me and give me peace.”

Lastly, I had to face my disappointment with God. Why had He allowed so much pain? I realized I needed to surrender my need to understand and release my bitterness toward Him. In prayer, I sensed His whisper: “I’m sorry for the pain you carried. You are my precious daughter.” His words melted what remained of my resentment and replaced it with peace.

Forgiving my mother opened the door to deeper healing. Forgiving myself released the weight of regret I had carried for years. And forgiving God—surrendering my need to understand and letting Him meet me in my pain—restored my peace.

Unforgiveness had fused these wounds together, but love melted them apart. I see now that forgiveness is not weakness but freedom: freedom to love my mom without bitterness, freedom to look at my past without shame, and freedom to rest in God’s love without walls between us.

Perhaps you, too, need to forgive in more than one direction. Whether it’s another person, yourself, or even the unspoken resentment you hold toward God, forgiveness is the key that unlocks healing. And when we forgive, we discover that what rejection once hardened, God’s love can soften—and make whole again. Forgiveness isn’t just a command—it’s the pathway to freedom.

Prayer:

Father, show me if there is any unforgiveness in my heart. If there is, fill me with your love, for it is only with your love that I can forgive. Help me to be kind and compassionate to the people who have hurt me. Show me how they perceive this incident and how they feel about it. Heal any previous wounds that I let turn into bitterness. Forgive me for holding on to any anger. I release it today. Cleanse my body, soul, and spirit from all feelings of unforgiveness. I sit before you in humility and ask for forgiveness over any pride that kept me believing the lie that I don’t need to forgive. Thank you for your abundant grace and the forgiveness of my sins.

Application:

Forgiving is an essential step toward moving out of the effects of rejection and into God’s love. I encourage you now to ask God if you need to forgive anyone. You may need to forgive yourself and God as well. Stand in front of the mirror and forgive yourself. Imagine the person you need to forgive is standing in front of you and forgive him/her. Repeat as often as needed. Then, imagine standing in front of God telling Him you forgive Him.

Journal prompt:

What did God reveal to you as you completed the above activity? Describe how you now feel.

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To read more about healing from early childhood rejection in this series, click on the links: Introduction, Distrust, Worthlessness, Loneliness, Depression, Hopelessness, Anxiety, Fear, Anger, and Grief

Endnotes:

Quote: Reinhold Niebuhr, Goodreads, accessed March 21, 2025, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/267267-forgiveness-is-the-final-form-of-love

1. Matthew 6:14 (NIV).

2. Matthew 18:21-35 (NIV).

3. 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV).

4. John 13:35 (NIV).

5. Proverbs 17:9 (NLT).

6. Proverbs 14:10 (ESV).

7. Acts 8:23 (NIV).

8. Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place. (Chosen Books, 2006)

9. Melanie Greenberg, “The Psychology of Regret: Should we really aim to live our lives with no regrets” Psychology Today, May 16, 2012, accessed May 15, 2023, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-regret

10. Joshua 6:20 (NIV).

11. Numbers 6:24-26 (NIV).